Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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