i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
