The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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