she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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