And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
