even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
