How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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