I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
