Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
