Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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