ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
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