that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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