So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
