just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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