I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
