Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
