I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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