Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
