Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
