I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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