I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
