Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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