So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
