I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
