I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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