I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
