I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
