if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
