tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
