If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
