Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
