My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
