Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
