Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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