there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
