so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
