My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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