you turned your livingroom into a bong?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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