How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
