my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
