I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Enjoy the penises
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
