Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
