its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
