I think my vagina is haunted
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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