when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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