***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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