I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i think my cat just said my name.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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