Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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