woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
