One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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