It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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