p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
